Friday, October 17, 2014

I Feel Like a Complete Failure

Disaster strikes again. It was around 4:15pm that my boss asks me if I was feeling okay she said I looked tired. I said I was fine which we all in the Diabetic world means I am really not okay. I did have that on my sheet. Normally my co-workers are around but it was late when people start to leave for the day. My co-worker was out sick so their was only an Intern and my manager their at the time.Their also was a co-worker who was told to get the front desk to call 911 because I was having a seizure. I know I had done a class on what to do but they missed a big step because they could not see the directions in the Glucagon kit clearly. I know when you are panicked it can be hard to concentrate. So they accidentally just injected the saline solution but not the glucagon sadly. Thankfully EMS was their quickly and was able to get my seizure to stop. They had to use an IV because I had been seizing for a while and decided that it would be quicker. I am always for what is going to work best.

I was so ashamed, embarrassed and mortified this happened again. I had just hit over two year of being seizure free and not I am back to start again. I worked so hard and I feel completely defeated this time normally I am bouncing back and feeling just angry but this time I truly feel like a failure. I know it is never easy but I always blame myself because as a perfectionist I want to make no mistakes. We all know their is numerous things that can affect blood sugar and sadly you can't prevent it all. I know I should not feel defeated but I completely feel let down by the fact that I had made it so far. I was really hoping I could keep them at bay for longer. I know for me each year is truly and accomplishment but I wanted more.

I was reviewing my Dexcom which did not detect I was low until 30 minutes afterwards. Their was a dramatic drop shown that only went to 50 but I was actually 12. The Dexcom did not seem to catch it because it was moving so quickly. I was very fortunate that Duchess alerted my boss as she was trained to do. She also alerted the intern. So she saved the day again. I am truly blessed to have here with me through all these stressful events.I know I feel bad making her go to work this morning she was so tired. These events do take their toll on her in some ways. I know they do on me as well. I feel fine today but mentally I feel like I am stuck in a place of constant review of everything over and over again.

6 comments:

  1. ... in other words ... you have an unpredictable disease ... you are a diabetic ... in other words stop thinking that you can control what can not be controlled ... I for one will not allow you to blame yourself, you have gone out and gotten more "tools" to help you in your fight with the Dia-Beast! Please smile and think, just think this hasn't happened to you for ALMOST TWO YEARS that is something to be PROUD of in the unpredictable world of Type One diabetes! (I read an article that there are 22 things that affect our blood sugars and the author admitted that wasn't a complete list).... please be gentle with yourself ...

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  2. Oh honey, you are not a failure and what happened is not your fault. Diabetes is the one to blame. We try so hard every day, but sometimes things are just out of your control. I'm so sorry you went through this, but please please please don't blame yourself!!

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    1. I am not sure why I felt like I failed but it seems like these days I spend so much time trying to keep myself where I need to be. I have an incredibly bad habit since I was young of blaming myself for the lows but this is also furthered by comments from Dr.'s in the emergency rooms at times. I know I plan to work on this aspect but it will take some time.

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  3. I normally feel different after bad lows but this one seemed to drive me crazy. I know I need to be kinder to myself at times I just was really hoping for more time being seizure free. I had to put more work into keeping the seizures at bay so I feel very tired in a great deal of ways. I am just hoping I can work with the Dr. to get back on track with no further seizures.

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  4. I'm so sorry that you had a seizure, but as the other commenters said, you should be proud of your two years seizure-free. And of course you should blame diabetes, not yourself. I think that the instructions that come with a Glucagon Kit are horrendous: overly complex and difficult to read. The instructions on the Lily site are better because they are in color: http://www.lillyglucagon.com/how-to-use. The Glucagon app is cumbersome because they make you go through a lot of safety warnings, but it is still better than the B&W instructions that come with the kit.

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    1. It can be difficult as you know when these situations happen. I know I hop from one emotion to another. My boss could not see the pictures well. So I am planning to make bigger instructions for everyone. All other workers said they can see the pictures thankfully except for my manager.

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