Thursday, October 30, 2014

Why Do I Panic Every Time

I know I am really not looking forward to my Endocrinologist appointment tomorrow. My Animas One Touch Ping had been creating higher blood sugars which took me a while to figure out. I did not figure it out till last Friday when it was going back into constant prime mode. I know I was incredibly frustrated that was what was causing all the higher blood sugars I was experiencing. It turns out the motor was sending less insulin in than it was supposed to be which was causing me to use temp basal rates to keep things in check. Thankfully I am pretty resourceful and was able to figure out things as I went. I noticed that the pump was asking to be primed more frequently and then the higher blood sugars appeared. I just wish I had noticed sooner. This also leaves me with questions about my recent seizures could the pump be part of the issue. I know I had had some issues over the past month but I was so busy it took me a while to put all the fact together.

Animas did get me out a pump quickly and they are looking into the pump when I send it back. They are checking to see if the issues were caused by the pump malfunctioning. I am hope the spend the time to review everything and get any of the issues resolved. I am not sure I will ever know if the seizure was insulin pump related but it very well could have been. I am really glad I was able to get back to the more normal blood sugars I am used to seeing. I am back to less lows and very few highs which I prefer. So I know most likely my A1c has went up but I have no idea how much but at least I know what happened. I have been at the say Alc number for over a year and I will be sad if it goes up. I am not expecting a large jump but a slight one will not hurt.

I know the Dr. will be okay with the fact it went up. I know they are pleased that I work so hard to begin with. I just was hoping to keep things where it currently is but I also know that is really hard to do. Sometimes my body likes to change dramatically and it can take a while to figure out how to handle the issues. So I know I am happy that normally all my blood work comes back normal so normally the only one I worry about is my A1c thankfully. I know things will be fine but I am always so nervous for the appointment regardless if my Alc was normal or not.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Duchess and The Needed Change

I am now dealing with the whining issue since my recent seizure some times after seizures I have gathered that Duchess views this personally as a failure. Shortly after the seizure she will then decide on her own to change her alert because she thinks it is not effective. Which really makes sense but nothing drives more crazy than whining. So it is not an alert that I want her to use and I like her to keep the noise to a very minimum level and her whining can get loud. So it looks like I may need to go back to using the bringsel again to alert. I really hate the whining so I know I need to use and old alert or find a new one for her to learn. She loves learning new things so I know she would probably like to learn a new one. The issue can be finding an alert that does not drive me crazy but also is easy enough for Duchess to do.

So I am back to looking at what options I have to create a new alert for her or possibly one she feel better about. Duchess really amazes me how she handles these moments of scary with such patience. She never gives up and keeps going even after a bad seizure or low. She is always affected in one way or another by these episodes. So I will go with the change and try to find an alert that works for both of us. It can be difficult at times to find options that work for us both. I know last time I ended up bringing back and old alert which seemed to appease Duchess. Right now she is going back to pawing my legs instead of licking my hand. It will probably take another week of working with her to use the old alert and not whine. I am so glad that she is willing to just go with the other alert for now. Most of the time then she will go back to licking my hand instead of the alternate alert.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Giving New Things a Try

I recently purchased Duchess a new service dog vest and I for the first time in 3 years I have to actually purchase patches for her vest. The previous dog vests were customizable and I could select from a few patches that were sewn on. I was searching online when I saw a patch that I thought might get people to stop and think just for a moment. My favorite part of the patch is the saying I don't pet you while you are working. I am trying to get the people who are the dog lovers who think that the patches do not apply to them.  I meet them frequently and I usually have to put my hand in front of Duchess to get them to stop petting. I always try my best to educate but at times I have to stop them which does not seem to teach them anything. So I am always looking for ways to get people's attention by using different or unusual patches really seem to help send a message. This has really worked well so far and I hoping it will in the future.

I have found that when I get on the bus that people are commenting on her patches and they seem to be taking what the patch is saying seriously which is my goal. I really hate having to tell people not to pet her consonantly.So far and I am loving her new patches and I don't even need to have a separate patch stating medical alert dog technically but I do have one on her vest. I know so far Duchess seems to love her Ruff wear vest and her new patches. I am hoping that the new patches continue to get people to think before they do a drive by pet which happens frequently. I am thankful that most of the time Duchess is able to not be too distracted by this but at times it can take away her focus.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Helping In Ways I Never Realized

I know my recent events have really made me think about things. I know every time the EMS is their at work I am always worried they are trying to make me go to the hospital. Most of the time I go against the recommendations and go home. I know what they are going to do at the hospital and I can do it at home. So I stay home where both of us are most comfortable. Each time the EMS is their the local University police shows up. They have repeatedly interfered in the past with my ability to get transported with Duchess. Their can be consequences for both of us being separated. I am so used to having Duchess their in my darkest moments I really depend upon her more than I have ever realized we are a team who works well together. She keeps me calm and cool during these events by being her crazy self. I know she is nervous for me and really cares. I know during these moments their is no other place she would rather be than with me.

She was trained to be with me during these moments and most of all she needs me just as much as I need her. I know I have been through so much and I feel like having Duchess their really helps me in ways I never dreamed. I normally stay really calm and cool anyways, but I tend to be reacting inside to these feelings. The interesting thing is that Duchess knows if I am upset, scared or just feeling let down. She picks up my emotions so well at times she seems to know before I do at times. I know I can handles this alone, I have plenty of times in the past but I just feel better not doing it alone. I has always been told I am very stoic and I do not usually ask for help. So having Duchess near bye I don't have to ask she just knows me too well.

I am beyond thankful that even in my worst and my best days that Duchess is her with me. She is constantly keeping me safer and makes me feel comfortable taking on challenges. Duchess will always be my best friend and I know I am blessed to have her in my life. I never dreamed that Duchess would be helping me in so many unexpected ways. I know I feel safer than I did when I was first diagnosed with Hypoglycemia Unawareness and that peace of mind is priceless. I know I value my freedom and my ability to hold a job which all goes back to Duchess doing a wonderful job.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

How I Feel Now

I know since my seizure and the guy who said I inspired him at the gym my mind has been going a hundred miles an hour these days. I have been strangely on this adrenaline rush of sorts since my seizure. I know a person on the bus said to me you remind me of the main character in the book Tris in the Divergent movie. There is a quote " Fear doesn't shut you down; It wakes you up" which is really quite true for most Diabetics I am sure. I know I tend to be different at times maybe I am an just different in how I handle seizures from time to time. I have been on this complete adrenaline rush of sorts which seems strange to me I guess it has been thankfully a while since my last one. I know the comments made me think it is really strangely true how after the moments of scary I tend to either really be affected by it or it just seems to pump me up. I know at work I have been plowing right through it and seems to keep going. So I am finding my response to the recent seizure to be true I did seem to really wake up to the fact of how dangerous the seizures can be.

I know I am not mad or upset or even in denial, but this time I just feel really awake. I know I needed to make changes quickly after the seizure which I did do. I am still feeling just over the top energy which I am taking advantage of but I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I know I feel differently after each seizure I have experienced and this is one is no different. It is extremely hard to explain where I am currently at but I am not in a bad place right now and I am thankful.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Left Completely Speechless

I am not normally a person who can be left speechless but last night I was. I had been at the gym on the elliptical for around 15 minutes. When a man approached I was working out. I had my head phones on and I had to take them off. Normally I do not get interrupted at the gym which I like normally I like getting into a mindset of concentrating on my goal for the night. The man said he had been coming to the gym for a while. He told me that he was in firefighter training. He said he noticed that I was treating a low blood sugar while working out several times he saw me at the gym.

He said he knew my life was not most likely not easy but manageable with my service dog. He said I had inspired him by my determination to finish and get through the work outs even with all the obstacles I face. He then said that I inspired him to do more as well in his life. That is a really overwhelming statement to take in. I know he said he noticed that I seemed to just make it look easy. I know he was learning about Diabetes and said that he respected how much effort I put into staying healthy even with obstacles. I know during the conversation I could only say Thank you but I felt like I would not even begin to know what to say. Normally I can be a chatter box, but last night I was just surprised. I have always thought of myself as very normal and would do what any normal Diabetic does. I guess because I have Duchess it is more noticeable but regardless I am glad I can help put Diabetics in a good light in the minds of a future firefighter. They tend to show up on a great deal of the calls so I know he will be encountering a great deal of us in the future.

I have never thought of myself as inspirational but I know my life is not easy but I feel like I do nothing different than any other Diabetic does really. I do know regardless that it does feel very cool to inspire some one else especially someone who will be encountering Diabetics as part of their job. I know most of the time you only meet these people once but it is nice to know that they are starting to see what our struggles are and not judge us. I know most EMS seem very non judgmental but I have one or two through the years that made assumptions. I know after my seizure I am feeling like my whole world is spinning out of control but it is funny how life sent me a reminder of sorts to give myself some credit for all my hard work.


Monday, October 20, 2014

The Aftermath

I know my seizure on Thursday afternoon drew attention as normal. This time when I was at work on Friday I had people surrounded me at my desk all morning and afternoon coming by to check on me. I know they care but for me this is very difficult. I hate one thing in particular and that is all the attention that my lows create for me. I know my whole life I have wanted to avoid attention from lows. I feel like it is a bad attention in my mind. I find all the attention almost over whelming and takes me back to the day of the seizure. I am not ashamed I had a low but I prefer attention for more positive things such as good work or doing a great job on a project. I know I spent most of my life trying to avoid any attention related to my Diabetes when possible. I know all I have ever wanted is to feel as normal as possible. I know these days that will not really be possible especially since I have Duchess.

My Diabetes these days will always garner some attention regardless if I like it or not. So I am adjusting as well as I can to this fact over the past 4 years. I know I am okay with people knowing I have Diabetes and asking questions, but when it involves lows or seizures that is where I am most uncomfortable. I know I am working on trying to get used to the fact that yes their will always be a chance I can have a seizure and I can't prevent them all. I do work hard and do everything I can. I know with having Hypoglycemia Unawareness that I will be more prone to lows and I know that could mean more moment of scary. I guess I may never be completely okay with the seizures and bad lows but I also know I should not be comfortable with either. It can be so taxing to deal with the after math of bad lows. I don't feel angry or upset just completely dazed.

Friday, October 17, 2014

I Feel Like a Complete Failure

Disaster strikes again. It was around 4:15pm that my boss asks me if I was feeling okay she said I looked tired. I said I was fine which we all in the Diabetic world means I am really not okay. I did have that on my sheet. Normally my co-workers are around but it was late when people start to leave for the day. My co-worker was out sick so their was only an Intern and my manager their at the time.Their also was a co-worker who was told to get the front desk to call 911 because I was having a seizure. I know I had done a class on what to do but they missed a big step because they could not see the directions in the Glucagon kit clearly. I know when you are panicked it can be hard to concentrate. So they accidentally just injected the saline solution but not the glucagon sadly. Thankfully EMS was their quickly and was able to get my seizure to stop. They had to use an IV because I had been seizing for a while and decided that it would be quicker. I am always for what is going to work best.

I was so ashamed, embarrassed and mortified this happened again. I had just hit over two year of being seizure free and not I am back to start again. I worked so hard and I feel completely defeated this time normally I am bouncing back and feeling just angry but this time I truly feel like a failure. I know it is never easy but I always blame myself because as a perfectionist I want to make no mistakes. We all know their is numerous things that can affect blood sugar and sadly you can't prevent it all. I know I should not feel defeated but I completely feel let down by the fact that I had made it so far. I was really hoping I could keep them at bay for longer. I know for me each year is truly and accomplishment but I wanted more.

I was reviewing my Dexcom which did not detect I was low until 30 minutes afterwards. Their was a dramatic drop shown that only went to 50 but I was actually 12. The Dexcom did not seem to catch it because it was moving so quickly. I was very fortunate that Duchess alerted my boss as she was trained to do. She also alerted the intern. So she saved the day again. I am truly blessed to have here with me through all these stressful events.I know I feel bad making her go to work this morning she was so tired. These events do take their toll on her in some ways. I know they do on me as well. I feel fine today but mentally I feel like I am stuck in a place of constant review of everything over and over again.