Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I Can't Believe I Forgot

Tomorrow is my follow up for my Endocrinologist appointment and I am starting off on the wrong foot already. I forgot to get my blood work done before I go to my appointment. I forgot to get it done last weekend. I am now sure why I forgot normally I am on top of it. I also know that right now is the busiest time of year for me so it happens. I can't believe I forgot so there will not be much to review but my Dexcom graphs and pump information. Which is not bad but there is a lot of bouncing around because of the Predisone I was on. I know I did not think much about my upcoming appointment and I really needed to of spend more time being ready for my appointment by having all my lab work done but at least I have my list of prescriptions needed, questions and our plan to deal with the fiscal year end. Normally we come up with a plan of action to help reduce the chance of seizures and really bad lows.

I am hoping that I can get my blood drawn before my Dr. appointment so at least they will get it no later than Monday which works for me. I am not expecting much change in my A1c because I tightened up my control while on the Predisone and I was exercising which I know helped my overall A1c numbers. Even with a rise I won't be upset because I know Predisone is tough to be one and I can only do the best I can. I am going into my appointment feel okay but not happy I spaced about my lab work and I know that was not intentional but I know at times I can distracted by all that's going on. I know normally I would have done my blood work up too two weeks before but I know I generally forgot my appointment was coming up.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Just Tired

I know yesterday I felt very numb but today I am just tired. I have done more basal changes to address some lows that have started since Saturday. I know I think my exercise helped me to avoid a seizure on Saturday because I was able to recover faster than I normally would which seemed to make a difference. So I am trying to balance the rising temperatures, increasing stress, and little help at work. So I am trying to find ways to not get so stressed but that can be challenging. I know I have been trying to avoid bad lows but I am thankful that at least it was not a seizure which is wonderful. I will take what I can get these days. I know if my job was a little less stressful that would be helpful but not solve all my issues.

I accepted a while ago that my Diabetes is staying difficult and probably will remain that way. I know making little changes such as doing more vigorous exercise and trying new things can help reduce the lows or reduce the severity of the lows which is an improvement in my mind. I am not going to rip apart that Saturday to find out what went wrong because I will only drive myself crazy and cause more stress. This time I am just changing my basal and looking for ways to reduce stress. I am doing better than last year but I know I need to do more. I keep getting less and less bad incidents the more I work at it but I know I will never be able to guarantee a bad low from happening but I do know doing my best that I can help to make things smoother. I know so many great things have come to fruition recently and I am enjoying those things right now.

Just hoping that I can keep hydrated enough and relaxed enough to deal with what my Diabetes throws at me. Some times my Diabetes is easier but I also know now that the Predisone is wearing off because when I was on Predisone last couple of months really bad lows disappeared at least it was a nice break. Hoping my Endocrinologist appointment on Thursday will help. 

Monday, July 28, 2014

Ugh Not Again

Well I am here again as usual. I know recently my sleep has been interrupted by my need to get everything finished up for the year end closing of the books for the University. I am normally a little farther caught up right now but this year I am not because I have not worked as much overtime. I know I kept dreaming of work on Friday night and kept waking up because I was upset I had forgotten something or just felt overwhelmed by it all. Normally I do get stressed but I don't usually have these crazy dreams or such difficulty sleeping. I know Saturday I woke up early and started to get things done. I knew I had a get together to attend with other people who had attended a grief support group of people who lost their parents. When my mother passed away six years ago my life was a train wreck. I could not handle all grief on my own thankfully this grief support group is at no cost and you can attend as long as you need. This really helped me to heal and also grieve in a healthier manner. I know I am blessed to have people who understand what it is like to lose a parent or sibling.

This group watched all the scary things happen before I got Duchess all the EMS visits at work and at my home. My car accident they all were their watching me handle the most difficult part of my Diabetes my Hypoglycemia Unawareness. So they have heard all the stories about the crazy situations I have been in and the crazy events as they happened. Sadly I got to share these events with my friends first hand this time on Saturday. I had just changed my Dexcom sight that morning and it had really bad readings some times up to two or three hundred points off. Most of the time the Dexcom is much closer than this for me. I average about 40 points off from my actual blood sugar most of the time. So sadly since I have been on Predisone it tended to skew the results further. So I was testing frequently. I know on Saturday it said I was high but I was actually at the time only 130 so It was really far off. I did eat some gluten free cookies, fruit, chicken, salad and Diet Coke. So I thought everything would be fine. I had had some lows on Saturday and in fact had to eat dinner with a very small bolus for a large amount of food.

I know things were pretty normal watched the movie and towards the end my blood sugar was low so I treated and was feeling okay. I know the movie ended and several people left which left just a couple people still at my friends house. We were talking I know I started to feel tired but I know I had not slept well the night before. The next thing I know my friends are helping me get into a wheel chair but I had not idea where I really was. They helped wheel me up to the desk in the Emergency room. The triage nurse was upset at my friends for not calling 911 but technically I was still awake and had drank a cup of juice already. So they told my friends they messed up which is incorrect. I had been treated but just needed more. If I had been able to communicate they would have know their was glucagon in my purse. I am mad because technically my friend lived less than 4 miles from the hospital we would have spent more time waiting for it to arrive than driving me. So I told them they did the right thing if I was passed out the EMS would have been a better call.

I know this time because my blood sugar was 32 I was not very aware of everything. Some things I could answer other things I could not. They tried to ask me who my Dr. was when I was 32 but I am sorry I don't see my family practice Dr. frequently so when I am low I am not going to remember. Everyone kept asking what medication I was taking I told them they had to wait till my blood sugar was up to answer questions. Thankfully my friends found my Insurance card so they were not bugging me about that. I was really frustrated when they had no items they could give me that were gluten free we all know after a bad low we need some protein and carbohydrates. The hospital did not have anything but peanut butter. So my friend went to a local place open 24 hours a day and was able to get me a gluten free sandwich and fries. If I had not gotten the sandwhich I think my blood sugar would not have stayed up very long. They must have given me around 10 juices 6 small container of peanut butter but that was not working.

I know if I was not with the people who were with me that night I might have had to wait till I got home to eat more. So now I need to make sure that they are prepared for Diabetics with Celiac's disease because I know I am not the only one who gets bad lows occasionally. So I am going to speak to the risk management department about adding gluten free crackers or bread to their items they keep on hand. I know I am pleased to see that they seemed prepared to deal with Duchess and did not make it seem like a big deal. They even offered to take her out but I had my friend Harry take her out. She was very upset and felt like she had failed at her job when I know she had alerted but I was too far gone to recognize her alerts. I know she got my friends attention but I know in her mind if we avoid the ER she did a good job. I know she did her best and I was glad that was so persistent. I know she has been stressed out by this event so yesterday was about doing things she enjoyed and resting. Hoping to avoid any more but I need to review again and see what went wrong.

I normally feel a great deal of things but this time I am just numb and really just frustrated. I am not sure how I will feel later this week but right now because I don't know what happened except what I was told by friends at the hospital. I know I feel like not again.

Friday, July 25, 2014

The One Thing I Could Not Blog About Previously

I know have not been able to talk about my Mom's whole Diabetes study until now.  This is the most difficult thing I have blogged about in a long time.  I know she had good control of her Diabetes and worked very hard at it. When I was in College my mom and dad decided to divorce. During that time my mom was getting the house ready for sale she was working in our garage where my dad had kept his big tool box full of all his tools which was extremely heavy and was very full of items. She was moving things around preparing for a garage sale of some items before the house was to go on the market. She started to move the tool chest when it feel forward on top of her foot. Thankfully her friend was their and was able to help get the chest off of her foot. She went to the Dr.'s and they treated the wounds and watched to see how here foot would heal. Her wounds on her food did heal but there were changes in her foot from the injury.

My mom moved shortly after this to Texas from Washington State where my brother, sister and I were living. I know even with such a great distance between us I talked with her frequently. I know over the next year or so here foot experienced more issues. So a Dr. recommended surgery to help with the issues with her foot. So she agreed because they said they thought they could preserve some of the blood flow in her foot by operating. The Dr. who performed the surgery actually ended up not improving the circulation but permanently damaging most of the blood flow in her foot. In fact her foot had obvious signs of the surgery gone bad. I know she did her best to take care of her foot especially since she knew it was in a very vulnerable spot currently. With limited circulation in her foot things were not great even a small injury or wound could go from bad to extremely bad very quickly.

So we fast forward to Christmas of 2007 when my mom gets very ill I know she had been to the Dr.'s and was still not feeling well. She ends up in the hospital. She had a tiny scrap on the bottom of the toe that no real circulation head to it. I know she tried her best to catch any wounds but the location of this one could have been missed by anyone according to my sister who was their during all this. There was also other issues going on at the same time. Her kidney function was declining and had weird blood work that no one could explain. I get the call from my sister once my mom was in the hospital that they needed to amputate my mom's toe. I was not supposed to get into the area for another three days. I know I cried a great deal that night for my mom because I knew people would always judge her because she had an amputation she had an excellent Alc and did everything she could but sadly that was not enough.

I know full well if she had normal circulation in that foot like she did her other foot she would not have had an amputation. I know she did not see this coming most likely I am know that is because later we would learn that here hear valves were going.  She did the best she could and I know her good A1c did not seem to help her when her foot issue arose. I know I feel very ashamed for her over the years. I know I shouldn't but there was always been a very clear you were a bad diabetic and this is why this happened to you. I am so very thankful now that were are talking about complications and working towards a more realistic view of complications.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Wishing for More

I know since my diagnosis with Hypoglycemia Unawareness over 6 years ago things have been incredibly challenging. I know doing simple everyday things can become challenging quickly with the way I drop so quickly and not knowing makes even house work complicated. So I try to preplan out when I do certain things I know will affect my blood sugars. So I spend most of my life pre-planning and organizing my life around my responsibilities and the same goes for Duchess as well.

I know this is pretty normal and I know most Diabetics do this to the same extent. I have been thinking back to all the Diabetic books I have read and all the advice given. I know for me most of the time the suggestions and advice do not work. Especially now that I have Hypoglycemia Unawareness. I know my personal Diabetes has never fit the norm for most Diabetics so I expect some things to not work automatically. I know through all my experiences there is not one book on how to handle Hypoglycemia Unawareness. So it leaves you in a world where you have to come up with a great deal of ideas of how to solve a problem and most will not work and then because of how fast my Diabetes changes the solution may only work for a couple weeks and then I am back to trying to find another solution.

I really wish their was more ideas of how to solve these problems in general. A great deal of the time I find solutions off seeing suggestions and going from their to make it fit for me which can work at times. I know their is so little information about Hypoglycemia Unawareness available it can be frustrating. At time I really wish their was book that could have helped me over the past couple of years. So I know I will always have major challenges to figure out on my own which at time is very daunting.  I have gotten very good at being creative but continually doing it can equal Diabetic burnout and other issues that could impact me. At times things can be more difficult that I like to admit.


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A Little Sad

I had such a wonderful time at the Friends for Life Conference the past two years. Every year I feel so incredibly blessed at the opportunity to go and meet so many wonderful people. Each year I meet one more person that leaves me inspired by their ability to handle the difficult and make it look easy. I know every year I meet some really incredible kids and families as well. The whole experience leaves me inspired and hopeful. I know I plan on attending again next year because this conference has become something I want to experience. Seeing all the green bracelets and the feeling of acceptance is an indescribable experience. I love the whole week of non-stop activity and fun. I also really love going to Disney world as well. It is always a fun experience.

I am now feeling rather sad that it is over and it won't be until next year that I get to see a great deal of my new and old friends who have become a big part of my life. I don't feel alone but the distance seems incredibly big at times. I know that part of the conference is this big exciting time and then the small period of time where I am bummed that it is all over until next year when I get to start the process all over again. I know Duchess even seems to love it even though she is on high alert for most of the trip. I know that I will see most of the people next year but I am sad that I don't get to see some of my great friends who are really a support network of people who get it. I know I need this more than I realize at times.I know I feel blessed for this time to interact and learn a great deal. I know this year I learned more than the first time I attended.

I can't wait to see what next year will bring and I know I can't wait to see my friends again.


Monday, July 21, 2014

Negative Messages

I have  been thinking a great deal about a class I attended at Friends for Life Conference in Orlando. We were discussing the guilt. I know I tend to feel guilty for a great deal of things in my life even some that I don't have complete control over. I know that guilt at times can eat you alive. I know I learned as a child that a high blood sugar meant that you were bad and sadly my parents only reinforced that when I a teenager. I know I got in trouble at times because I was high at dinner not because I wasn't trying but at times stress could make me soar upwards now I tend to soar downward. I remember all the times that my own Dr. told me I was bad because my A1c went up when I was around 12 or 13 when my decided I should an Endocrinologist that she was seeing.

The really odd part is that a 12 or 13 year old child is growing a great deal and some changed in blood sugars should be expected. I know during that time I was growing pretty quickly. I know that these experiences still affect me today because this Dr. repeatedly made me feel like a failure when I was trying my best. I also know that I felt incredibly out of place during this as well. I know I was extremely shy and quite. My life was not easy but my blood sugars seemed to be creating more and more issues. I know my parents meant well but they really made things for difficult by sending me the message that I was bad if my blood sugar was not in range. I know why there was a period of time where I gave up completely because I knew I had failed.

I know teen years are incredibly difficult at it is but adding Diabetes makes things incredibly difficult. I know that my parents did everything they could for me including getting me the best medical equipment possible. They also made sure I had proper medical coverage so I could get what I needed. I know I still have that message that plays in my head when I see a 200 or 300 the message still plays over and over again in my head. I know as a Diabetic with an excellent A1c I still feel guilty for a high blood sugar or a  really bad low. I know right now I am doing great but trying to get rid of the past guilt and messages is probably the hardest thing to deal with. I am not sure how I will ever get rid of this though process. I know I am not really bad because I have a high but I still feel like in some ways I do because of my past experiences. I am so glad that most Dr.'s today have figured out that scare tactics and treating patients that way does not work.

I really wish that some day I can get rid of the negativity associated with blood sugars when I know I am human and I do the best I can. I am always looking for ways to get rid of the messages in my head but I not even sure how. 

Friday, July 18, 2014

Blood Sugars Not Where I Want Them to Be

My blood sugars three weeks off of predisone are not where I was hoping. I am still moving up after eating so I am going back to the using my insulin pump to determine amount of insulin and taking the full units by injections. the .65 etc are dosed by the insulin pump which worked before going off. I am not sky rocketing like before but I am getting up into the 150's which is not where I want to be. So I am trying to reduce the spike after eating. My numbers generally are not moving nearly as much as they were when I was on predisone which is a blessing.

I am really wishing I could be working out right now but instead I am resting my ankle because I am still getting some swelling from my wound while low. I am hoping to see more improvement so far today much less swelling and much less redness which is a great sign. I am hoping that by next week I will be back at the gym working out again. I know I have only been back to the gym for a short period of time but I really have noticed I am not nearly as stressed I tend to handle things more efficiently. I also noticed that in general I feel much better and noticed that I started to have less lows that were as dramatic as before. So I know if I can get back to it a great deal more of things to come. I know I still need to work on the lows while working out and I am making progress. I know if I keep working at it eventually I will figure it out.

So after a long week I am hoping for a quite weekend of resting my ankle and hoping for more healing so I can get back to all the things I need to do.