Friday, October 17, 2014

I Feel Like a Complete Failure

Disaster strikes again. It was around 4:15pm that my boss asks me if I was feeling okay she said I looked tired. I said I was fine which we all in the Diabetic world means I am really not okay. I did have that on my sheet. Normally my co-workers are around but it was late when people start to leave for the day. My co-worker was out sick so their was only an Intern and my manager their at the time.Their also was a co-worker who was told to get the front desk to call 911 because I was having a seizure. I know I had done a class on what to do but they missed a big step because they could not see the directions in the Glucagon kit clearly. I know when you are panicked it can be hard to concentrate. So they accidentally just injected the saline solution but not the glucagon sadly. Thankfully EMS was their quickly and was able to get my seizure to stop. They had to use an IV because I had been seizing for a while and decided that it would be quicker. I am always for what is going to work best.

I was so ashamed, embarrassed and mortified this happened again. I had just hit over two year of being seizure free and not I am back to start again. I worked so hard and I feel completely defeated this time normally I am bouncing back and feeling just angry but this time I truly feel like a failure. I know it is never easy but I always blame myself because as a perfectionist I want to make no mistakes. We all know their is numerous things that can affect blood sugar and sadly you can't prevent it all. I know I should not feel defeated but I completely feel let down by the fact that I had made it so far. I was really hoping I could keep them at bay for longer. I know for me each year is truly and accomplishment but I wanted more.

I was reviewing my Dexcom which did not detect I was low until 30 minutes afterwards. Their was a dramatic drop shown that only went to 50 but I was actually 12. The Dexcom did not seem to catch it because it was moving so quickly. I was very fortunate that Duchess alerted my boss as she was trained to do. She also alerted the intern. So she saved the day again. I am truly blessed to have here with me through all these stressful events.I know I feel bad making her go to work this morning she was so tired. These events do take their toll on her in some ways. I know they do on me as well. I feel fine today but mentally I feel like I am stuck in a place of constant review of everything over and over again.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Looking Back

I almost now feel like I should have know that Hypoglycemia Unawareness was coming my way. I know several times during my teens I got on the wrong bus from school and luckily eventually came to enough to get myself home. I know over the years I never once realized that was not really normal. I knew most people felt most lows so I thought not feeling them occasionally was normal. I know because it did not happen frequently I thought it was not a big deal and was not really a big deal. I always seemed to be okay and so I assumed I would always be okay. I know through the years there was always these events where lows seemed to catch up with me like during high school state testing. I was in the middle of writing my paper in class when I passed out and they ended up calling the EMS. I can tell you I still hate that day because all the students I went to school say me being hauled out on a stretcher as they were in the middle of going to their next classes. I still remember the embarrassment I felt like it was yesterday.

I know I always felt like having these events were some what normal but now I realize more than ever that it was really a clue that missed during these incredibly stressful events. Then there was the times around 25 years old where I was working out more but not eating enough and had really bad lows where I was late picking up my sister from school several times. I know I was buy cleaning and stopped for a minute and just passed out. There was not shaking, fast heart beat, grumpiness or any other symptom except being tired. I did not give one moment of thought about the fact I was not feeling lows much anymore. I know I did notice if I was low while working out but not as much when out and about. I know my life was really busy so I guess I focused on other things instead of noticing all the changes at times. I know I learned a great deal of lessons from my experiences. I also know grieving the loss of my mother during that time who also was a type 1 was the most difficult thing. So I know I was not really aware of everything I should have been.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Changes in Partnership

I have noticed recently that Duchess is really loving the running. In fact she seems to be even more on top of my blood sugars. The most interesting part for me is that I do work out five days a week and run three of the days I workout. So it is not like I am running a great deal we usually run a couple of miles and it seems to really get her more focused and it seems to bring us together more as team. I never knew she liked running as much as she does. She seems to get a little too excited when we first start out running I have to remind her to slow her pace otherwise she will be dragging behind when I am trying to finish up the run. It is a learning curve for both of us. I have run before with her but with no real need to run a certain distance or need to run a certain amount of time so we both our learning what works for us. She seems to love knowing which day of the weeks we are going to run and looks forward to it each day. I am thinking of making it four days a week but like having days where I work out on the elliptical and other machines at the gym.

I think mixing up the routine is helping me to allow my body to adjust to running instead of starting to run everyday which would be difficult when you are just starting out so I am happy I have found a good balance to try and keep things interesting. I know I am happy Duchess is loving running and I am starting to enjoy it the more I go and I know their will be times where I won't want to run but most of the time once I am out their I do fine. So I pleased that Duchess even with all the changes seems to be able to improve her alerting she is now alerting like this morning I was 112 and she alerted and I could not figure out why. Then a couple minutes later I look at Dexcom it was slowing moving up then 120. Since she let me know early I was able to give a small amount of insulin to prevent a big jump like I saw yesterday morning. Some days she just amazes me how she knows so early. I know I am enjoying our time running as well. Nice to have someone with you when you out on adventures.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Rough Start to Weekend

I had been doing so great recently I really did not expect issues to show up on Saturday. Thankfully I did not need any assistance to get my self to where I needed to be. I had trouble sleeping most of the weekend sadly but especially on Friday night. I woke up from a bad low around 5am and treated the low and ate some food. I was trying to get my blood sugars to stay level so I would be able to get a couple more hours of sleep. I sadly woke up instead at 12:43pm on Saturday afternoon and still low. I luckily was aware enough to realize that I needed to eat something so I grabbed a glucose tablet and a muffin. I know I needed to get moving for the day as well. So I started to get ready for the day still feeling really tired but I wanted to get some things accomplished for the day.

I leave the house and head to the store I get their and my blood sugar was normal and seemed steady according to the Dexcom. The next thing I hear is the high alarm. I know I was low from around 6-12:43pm so I could be more prone to more lows. I did bolus for some of the muffin so I was not expecting the 180 and rising. Thankfully I decided to just inject verses using my pump. I had changed my infusion set that morning and wanted to also verify that it was not a bad site. So it turned out that my site was good but my blood sugars did not want to be in normal range. Thankfully I was able to get my blood sugar down in three hours which is not great but for being so low for so long I really should not be surprised.

I know Friday night I did run but normally I do not have these issues in the morning most of the time. I have had an increase in lows but was constantly adjusting the basals. The on Saturday night I was running 140 straight across all night long which is a little higher than usual but thankfully not low. So I ran a little higher last night as well. I have had some issues making adjustments because some days I am not able to find the reason I need to make the changes. So I will continue to make the best decision I can make. I am just bummed that I have not been able to get the reasons why figured out but at least most of the time the changes are working.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Surprise From Endocrinologist Office

I got home yesterday from work and rushing around to get things done before I head to the gym. I went and checked the mail. I know my Dr.'s office was trying to get all diabetics with long term insulin use the Lilly Diabetes Journey Awards. They applied for the medals for all the patients. I was quite surprised because my Endocrinologist office is throwing a party and presenting us our medals from Lily in November. I was really surprised that they spent the time and money to do something so wonderful for all the patients. I know I am looking forward to getting my 25 year medal. I know I am beyond impressed with how my Dr. is honoring his patients with a little party and presentations. I am really seeing my Endocrinologist office wanting to learn more about conference I attend and other local things such as meet up groups. The office is trying to find more ways for patience to get support and it is nice to see them encouraging people to meet other Diabetics.

I know it has changed my world in a great deal of ways. I am really excited to be able to participate in the upcoming events and glad to see that my Dr.'s office cares and wants us to do well which I already knew. I know I wish all patients had access to Dr.'s like mine who will until they find answers to issues that patients experience especially for the odd one's like me. I know my reaction to things is not always typical so they really have to be creative when it comes to my care most of the time. I am really thankful to see that they are continually looking for ways to support Diabetics because that mean's they are getting how important finding balance and having support is when having a chronic illness. I love that my Physicians Assistant goes above and beyond as well. She tells me about local gluten free places she has eaten because she has Celiac's disease too. It is nice to get an office who works hard to make sure I get what I need.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Making Things Better For Us Both

I have been working on looking at ways I can make Duchess life better. I have implemented two play times which are my breaks at work. She loves me throwing her toy around and looks forward to it all day long. She genuinely seems happier in general. Here alerting seems to be even improved with the changes. I have also been looking at ways to make my workouts better for Duchess. I do take her out running with me three days a week now and she loves running so far. I also have not noticed any issues with the running. I do keep her on join supplements to help keep her joints well cared for. I also have been giving her treats ever so often while we are at the gym. She seems to be more attentive if I make the time at the gym more fun for her. Duchess has a great deal of needs and seems to need changes in her routine occasionally to keep her happy.

I am just thrilled that these changes have really seemed to make her even happier than she previously was when were at the gym or at work. I know I do ask a great deal of her and most of the time she is just happy to be with me. I know by looking for more ways to improve her experience I will keep her more content with her work and life in general. Duchess really is a typical lab in that she loves to run and fetch. She really needs certain stimulation to keep her at her happiest. I know my life is complicated so thankfully with having more time now to work on my own personal life and concentrate more on Duchess.

She will always be the most important thing in my life and I have always tried to keep he a top priority. I now feel like my life is happier because I feel like I am more demanding but that means Duchess and I our now safer than we were previously. I realized that I need to speak up at times to get what I need especially for Duchess because they don't have a service dog or realize how many limitations she does have. I can only expect her to work so many hours. If I work too many hours she tends to alert less which is understandable.

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

When Generics Are Not the Same

There was an article a couple weeks ago that was placed on Facebook page by a Diabetic friend. I was taking the drug mentioned in the article for around 6 months before I stopped taking it. The interesting thing for me was that the previous time I took Wellbutrin for depression it worked incredibly well in fact I did not need to go back on them again for another 5 years. So when I asked for Wellbutrin my pharmacy sent me the generic but the previous time I took the actual Wellbutrin. I did not realize at the time that was the issue with why the drug seemed to not be working this time. So sadly for over a year now I have been struggling on and off with depression and feeling overwhelmed that it was not working. I did not mention the issue to the Dr. because I did not really want to try another brand of drug at that point with this one not working. Wellbutrin was the best drug I have ever taken for my depression so I was really upset by my poor results the second time taking it.

The article below talks about how the generic do not work and they really are only causing issues. So it all makes sense now. I just wish I had done more because I have been in a funk for a while and felt like I could muddle through it but I have not been able to do as much because I am still battling my depression to an extent the frequent exercise I do has really helped but I really want to get back to myself again. I am thankful for the article that was on Facebook and glad that I have answers. I am going back to my Dr.'s at the end of this month and I will be asking for their help in appealing for the name brand drug. I know I was told no over the phone by the pharmacy but my Dr. is wonderful in getting me what I need so I plan on bringing it up. I am kind of mad at myself for not speaking up sooner. I have control in how things play out but at the time I know being depressed also can make me very inactive on my part as well. So I am hoping I can get what I need without too much fight but I guess we will see.

The article is not the same as the one on facebook but quite close to the original article    

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Is It Really Selfish

At times dealing with the general public and a service dog is really the most frustrating thing. I was recently called selfish by a stranger because I take Duchess to the gym. I was pretty pissed off because she said it was not proper to make her sit through an hour at the gym. I told her that some people are blessed to be able to go to the gym without their service dog but I don't have that option. I told her honestly I would love to go back to where I was managing things on my own but again that is not possible right now.

So I get a constant theme of I am selfish because I take Duchess to various places but I feel like she is well feed, has proper gear and ability to rest when she needs. So I feel like I am not selfish. I know taking care of myself as a Diabetic is essential that is why I used to walk because I was so afraid of doing more intense exercise. Thankfully I have figured out how to some what handle most lows during exercise. So I feel like I need to continue to exercise regularly and continue to make our lives better by managing my Diabetes to the best of my ability and I know Duchess wants me to have less lows and be healthy. I am her partner and she depends upon me to provide a great deal of things which I do because I am able to. I know most people will never understand but at times I feel so tired of hearing how selfish I am. I do a great deal for my own family and I do not do a great deal for myself so I feel being called selfish is not fair or correct.

My life is a constant balancing act these days and I feel like exercise is a great thing. Duchess does go on runs with me as well so we both get exercise. Duchess gets to play every break I have at work and she loves it so I feel like we have a nice balance and that I do work hard to do the best I can for both of us. I guess all assumptions people make our to blame for this assumption by that stranger. I do not tend to like these type of conversations but I did educate them politely even though at times I am just tired of all the educating. I am beyond blessed to have her but all the unnecessary comments I could really live without.