Thursday, October 23, 2014

How I Feel Now

I know since my seizure and the guy who said I inspired him at the gym my mind has been going a hundred miles an hour these days. I have been strangely on this adrenaline rush of sorts since my seizure. I know a person on the bus said to me you remind me of the main character in the book Tris in the Divergent movie. There is a quote " Fear doesn't shut you down; It wakes you up" which is really quite true for most Diabetics I am sure. I know I tend to be different at times maybe I am an just different in how I handle seizures from time to time. I have been on this complete adrenaline rush of sorts which seems strange to me I guess it has been thankfully a while since my last one. I know the comments made me think it is really strangely true how after the moments of scary I tend to either really be affected by it or it just seems to pump me up. I know at work I have been plowing right through it and seems to keep going. So I am finding my response to the recent seizure to be true I did seem to really wake up to the fact of how dangerous the seizures can be.

I know I am not mad or upset or even in denial, but this time I just feel really awake. I know I needed to make changes quickly after the seizure which I did do. I am still feeling just over the top energy which I am taking advantage of but I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing. I know I feel differently after each seizure I have experienced and this is one is no different. It is extremely hard to explain where I am currently at but I am not in a bad place right now and I am thankful.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Left Completely Speechless

I am not normally a person who can be left speechless but last night I was. I had been at the gym on the elliptical for around 15 minutes. When a man approached I was working out. I had my head phones on and I had to take them off. Normally I do not get interrupted at the gym which I like normally I like getting into a mindset of concentrating on my goal for the night. The man said he had been coming to the gym for a while. He told me that he was in firefighter training. He said he noticed that I was treating a low blood sugar while working out several times he saw me at the gym.

He said he knew my life was not most likely not easy but manageable with my service dog. He said I had inspired him by my determination to finish and get through the work outs even with all the obstacles I face. He then said that I inspired him to do more as well in his life. That is a really overwhelming statement to take in. I know he said he noticed that I seemed to just make it look easy. I know he was learning about Diabetes and said that he respected how much effort I put into staying healthy even with obstacles. I know during the conversation I could only say Thank you but I felt like I would not even begin to know what to say. Normally I can be a chatter box, but last night I was just surprised. I have always thought of myself as very normal and would do what any normal Diabetic does. I guess because I have Duchess it is more noticeable but regardless I am glad I can help put Diabetics in a good light in the minds of a future firefighter. They tend to show up on a great deal of the calls so I know he will be encountering a great deal of us in the future.

I have never thought of myself as inspirational but I know my life is not easy but I feel like I do nothing different than any other Diabetic does really. I do know regardless that it does feel very cool to inspire some one else especially someone who will be encountering Diabetics as part of their job. I know most of the time you only meet these people once but it is nice to know that they are starting to see what our struggles are and not judge us. I know most EMS seem very non judgmental but I have one or two through the years that made assumptions. I know after my seizure I am feeling like my whole world is spinning out of control but it is funny how life sent me a reminder of sorts to give myself some credit for all my hard work.


Monday, October 20, 2014

The Aftermath

I know my seizure on Thursday afternoon drew attention as normal. This time when I was at work on Friday I had people surrounded me at my desk all morning and afternoon coming by to check on me. I know they care but for me this is very difficult. I hate one thing in particular and that is all the attention that my lows create for me. I know my whole life I have wanted to avoid attention from lows. I feel like it is a bad attention in my mind. I find all the attention almost over whelming and takes me back to the day of the seizure. I am not ashamed I had a low but I prefer attention for more positive things such as good work or doing a great job on a project. I know I spent most of my life trying to avoid any attention related to my Diabetes when possible. I know all I have ever wanted is to feel as normal as possible. I know these days that will not really be possible especially since I have Duchess.

My Diabetes these days will always garner some attention regardless if I like it or not. So I am adjusting as well as I can to this fact over the past 4 years. I know I am okay with people knowing I have Diabetes and asking questions, but when it involves lows or seizures that is where I am most uncomfortable. I know I am working on trying to get used to the fact that yes their will always be a chance I can have a seizure and I can't prevent them all. I do work hard and do everything I can. I know with having Hypoglycemia Unawareness that I will be more prone to lows and I know that could mean more moment of scary. I guess I may never be completely okay with the seizures and bad lows but I also know I should not be comfortable with either. It can be so taxing to deal with the after math of bad lows. I don't feel angry or upset just completely dazed.

Friday, October 17, 2014

I Feel Like a Complete Failure

Disaster strikes again. It was around 4:15pm that my boss asks me if I was feeling okay she said I looked tired. I said I was fine which we all in the Diabetic world means I am really not okay. I did have that on my sheet. Normally my co-workers are around but it was late when people start to leave for the day. My co-worker was out sick so their was only an Intern and my manager their at the time.Their also was a co-worker who was told to get the front desk to call 911 because I was having a seizure. I know I had done a class on what to do but they missed a big step because they could not see the directions in the Glucagon kit clearly. I know when you are panicked it can be hard to concentrate. So they accidentally just injected the saline solution but not the glucagon sadly. Thankfully EMS was their quickly and was able to get my seizure to stop. They had to use an IV because I had been seizing for a while and decided that it would be quicker. I am always for what is going to work best.

I was so ashamed, embarrassed and mortified this happened again. I had just hit over two year of being seizure free and not I am back to start again. I worked so hard and I feel completely defeated this time normally I am bouncing back and feeling just angry but this time I truly feel like a failure. I know it is never easy but I always blame myself because as a perfectionist I want to make no mistakes. We all know their is numerous things that can affect blood sugar and sadly you can't prevent it all. I know I should not feel defeated but I completely feel let down by the fact that I had made it so far. I was really hoping I could keep them at bay for longer. I know for me each year is truly and accomplishment but I wanted more.

I was reviewing my Dexcom which did not detect I was low until 30 minutes afterwards. Their was a dramatic drop shown that only went to 50 but I was actually 12. The Dexcom did not seem to catch it because it was moving so quickly. I was very fortunate that Duchess alerted my boss as she was trained to do. She also alerted the intern. So she saved the day again. I am truly blessed to have here with me through all these stressful events.I know I feel bad making her go to work this morning she was so tired. These events do take their toll on her in some ways. I know they do on me as well. I feel fine today but mentally I feel like I am stuck in a place of constant review of everything over and over again.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Looking Back

I almost now feel like I should have know that Hypoglycemia Unawareness was coming my way. I know several times during my teens I got on the wrong bus from school and luckily eventually came to enough to get myself home. I know over the years I never once realized that was not really normal. I knew most people felt most lows so I thought not feeling them occasionally was normal. I know because it did not happen frequently I thought it was not a big deal and was not really a big deal. I always seemed to be okay and so I assumed I would always be okay. I know through the years there was always these events where lows seemed to catch up with me like during high school state testing. I was in the middle of writing my paper in class when I passed out and they ended up calling the EMS. I can tell you I still hate that day because all the students I went to school say me being hauled out on a stretcher as they were in the middle of going to their next classes. I still remember the embarrassment I felt like it was yesterday.

I know I always felt like having these events were some what normal but now I realize more than ever that it was really a clue that missed during these incredibly stressful events. Then there was the times around 25 years old where I was working out more but not eating enough and had really bad lows where I was late picking up my sister from school several times. I know I was buy cleaning and stopped for a minute and just passed out. There was not shaking, fast heart beat, grumpiness or any other symptom except being tired. I did not give one moment of thought about the fact I was not feeling lows much anymore. I know I did notice if I was low while working out but not as much when out and about. I know my life was really busy so I guess I focused on other things instead of noticing all the changes at times. I know I learned a great deal of lessons from my experiences. I also know grieving the loss of my mother during that time who also was a type 1 was the most difficult thing. So I know I was not really aware of everything I should have been.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Changes in Partnership

I have noticed recently that Duchess is really loving the running. In fact she seems to be even more on top of my blood sugars. The most interesting part for me is that I do work out five days a week and run three of the days I workout. So it is not like I am running a great deal we usually run a couple of miles and it seems to really get her more focused and it seems to bring us together more as team. I never knew she liked running as much as she does. She seems to get a little too excited when we first start out running I have to remind her to slow her pace otherwise she will be dragging behind when I am trying to finish up the run. It is a learning curve for both of us. I have run before with her but with no real need to run a certain distance or need to run a certain amount of time so we both our learning what works for us. She seems to love knowing which day of the weeks we are going to run and looks forward to it each day. I am thinking of making it four days a week but like having days where I work out on the elliptical and other machines at the gym.

I think mixing up the routine is helping me to allow my body to adjust to running instead of starting to run everyday which would be difficult when you are just starting out so I am happy I have found a good balance to try and keep things interesting. I know I am happy Duchess is loving running and I am starting to enjoy it the more I go and I know their will be times where I won't want to run but most of the time once I am out their I do fine. So I pleased that Duchess even with all the changes seems to be able to improve her alerting she is now alerting like this morning I was 112 and she alerted and I could not figure out why. Then a couple minutes later I look at Dexcom it was slowing moving up then 120. Since she let me know early I was able to give a small amount of insulin to prevent a big jump like I saw yesterday morning. Some days she just amazes me how she knows so early. I know I am enjoying our time running as well. Nice to have someone with you when you out on adventures.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Rough Start to Weekend

I had been doing so great recently I really did not expect issues to show up on Saturday. Thankfully I did not need any assistance to get my self to where I needed to be. I had trouble sleeping most of the weekend sadly but especially on Friday night. I woke up from a bad low around 5am and treated the low and ate some food. I was trying to get my blood sugars to stay level so I would be able to get a couple more hours of sleep. I sadly woke up instead at 12:43pm on Saturday afternoon and still low. I luckily was aware enough to realize that I needed to eat something so I grabbed a glucose tablet and a muffin. I know I needed to get moving for the day as well. So I started to get ready for the day still feeling really tired but I wanted to get some things accomplished for the day.

I leave the house and head to the store I get their and my blood sugar was normal and seemed steady according to the Dexcom. The next thing I hear is the high alarm. I know I was low from around 6-12:43pm so I could be more prone to more lows. I did bolus for some of the muffin so I was not expecting the 180 and rising. Thankfully I decided to just inject verses using my pump. I had changed my infusion set that morning and wanted to also verify that it was not a bad site. So it turned out that my site was good but my blood sugars did not want to be in normal range. Thankfully I was able to get my blood sugar down in three hours which is not great but for being so low for so long I really should not be surprised.

I know Friday night I did run but normally I do not have these issues in the morning most of the time. I have had an increase in lows but was constantly adjusting the basals. The on Saturday night I was running 140 straight across all night long which is a little higher than usual but thankfully not low. So I ran a little higher last night as well. I have had some issues making adjustments because some days I am not able to find the reason I need to make the changes. So I will continue to make the best decision I can make. I am just bummed that I have not been able to get the reasons why figured out but at least most of the time the changes are working.

Friday, October 10, 2014

Surprise From Endocrinologist Office

I got home yesterday from work and rushing around to get things done before I head to the gym. I went and checked the mail. I know my Dr.'s office was trying to get all diabetics with long term insulin use the Lilly Diabetes Journey Awards. They applied for the medals for all the patients. I was quite surprised because my Endocrinologist office is throwing a party and presenting us our medals from Lily in November. I was really surprised that they spent the time and money to do something so wonderful for all the patients. I know I am looking forward to getting my 25 year medal. I know I am beyond impressed with how my Dr. is honoring his patients with a little party and presentations. I am really seeing my Endocrinologist office wanting to learn more about conference I attend and other local things such as meet up groups. The office is trying to find more ways for patience to get support and it is nice to see them encouraging people to meet other Diabetics.

I know it has changed my world in a great deal of ways. I am really excited to be able to participate in the upcoming events and glad to see that my Dr.'s office cares and wants us to do well which I already knew. I know I wish all patients had access to Dr.'s like mine who will until they find answers to issues that patients experience especially for the odd one's like me. I know my reaction to things is not always typical so they really have to be creative when it comes to my care most of the time. I am really thankful to see that they are continually looking for ways to support Diabetics because that mean's they are getting how important finding balance and having support is when having a chronic illness. I love that my Physicians Assistant goes above and beyond as well. She tells me about local gluten free places she has eaten because she has Celiac's disease too. It is nice to get an office who works hard to make sure I get what I need.