Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Up Coming Visit

I am a little nervous I have an upcoming appointment with my Retina Specialist. It has been over six months since I last saw my Retina Specialist. I have had one or two small bleeds which were gone quickly. I have a feeling they will do some laser treatments which is fine. I know I feel like I have made such wonderful progress with my eyes that I only go every six months know which is a relief in the beginning I was going at two or three times in a month to get the bleeding under control. The best decision I ever made was firing my first Retina Specialist he did things not in the normal procedural ways but instead in ways he preferred. I have to say that getting my eyes lasered when laying back in a chair was torturous and extremely painful. I know that my Dr. using the standard method during the laser procedure helped him get control of the bleeds and I have been doing great since. I feel like I just need to stay on top of it and keep my blood sugars in control that I will not experience much difficulty.

I know when the Retinopathy started several years ago I was so scared but I have learned so much about myself and how I can handle difficult situations. The only thing I did not handle well was telling people that I have complications which I still struggle with. Their is so much judgement but I know realizing it does not matter how they view me but really what I am doing for my condition. The people who judge me have not walked the same path or most likely only know the information passed on by the media which is incorrect. I know I am extremely nervous about this appointment in particular but I know that is probably because I have not been in the office in half a year. I guess that worries me to an extent but I feel overall my eyes have been great my vision has been good and I feel overall things are going well with my eyes. I am not looking forward to my exam but that is putting up with a couple things that are over pretty quickly.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Feelings About Bad Lows

I know I have been thinking a great deal of interesting change for me personally. I know normally I live with the fears of lows constantly worrying when and if they show up. Recently I feel very it is what it is. I am not sure why but I am not scared I am just doing as much as I can by exercising and other things to prevent bad lows I feel like I am doing my best so I am not as fearful. I do worry about myself not being scared to death of this happening. I know fear wakes me up and seems to spur me into action but not having that as much now concerns me. I know at times I do feel differently about bad lows or lows in general.

I know with me having less of them recently it seems to create for me this sense of I got this when mostly likely I don't have it covered. Trying to prevent bad lows is something with Hypoglycemia Unawareness is extremely difficult and not easy. So I am really surprised I honestly feel this way when I know my past experiences. I also know living on edge because of fear is not good either. I just want a healthy balance of both. I know my most recent incident that ended me up in the emergency room has really not caused me to feel this overwhelming fear and embarrassment but instead I feel like this is just part of my life.

Lows have run my life for so long that I feel like I should feel more than I do right now but I feel very accomplished because I have found new ways to help prevent lows. I know as I continue to work on my lows that their is always risks running my Alc lower but I also know that I want to have a high quality of life. Getting more complications is what I am trying my best to avoid. I will always be scared of the next bad situation but I am over feeling bad about things happening. I am tired of apologizing because of my Diabetes and tired of the embarrassment that it can cause when lows arise. I feel like I need to realize that my Diabetes will always makes things difficult but I should not have to apologize when I know I have done the best I can. I am trying to come to grips with that not all lows can be prevented. I know I need to prepare myself for my next visit with my family. They always blame me for it happening when not all things can be prevented.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Struggling with Stress

I have been very fortunate over the past couple of weeks for the most part to of slept well even though things are getting stressful. Right now my stress is through the roof I have been working for months to get certain required documentation turned in. I am still chasing people but getting closer to being done. So I am trying to get through this period with as little issue as possible. Stress really can cause me chaos. So I have been doing well so far but this week the night time lows are driving me insane. I have reduced the basal rates for overnight everyday this week with not real results. I even lowered some and ran temp basals at the beginning of the night. I am hoping to get this taken care of tonight so I can sleep more at night. The Dexcom is driving me crazy because alarms every 20 minutes does not equal the ability to sleep during the night. I have not really increased my workouts this week in fact last night I did my normal and still more lows. I am hoping I can get things sorted out so that this coming weekend I can sleep instead of being woken up constantly.

I know even Duchess looks really worn out because of the Dexcom going off constantly. I know that once I am through this week my stress levels should drop slightly I will be extremely busy but not as much as in the past three years. I am really hoping to avoid bad lows and such this week. I have been running a little higher in the mornings and lower in the afternoon. The hard part is that adjustments do not work well when its stress related. So I am trying my best to just get through this last push and then I will be in better place to handle all the stress I am currently struggling with.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Conversations About Diabetes

I was going to get a pedicure on Saturday. I know some people say pedicures are bad but I do check out how the tools and chairs are cleaned and so forth to make sure it is done appropriately. This place uses disposable liners on the tubs of the chairs which is quite helpful as well. So I was waiting in line and picking out my color when a man approached to ask about Duchess. I think he said it must be wonderful having a helper. I said yes it does especially with my medical conditions. He asked what conditions are meaning. I mentioned she told me when I was low or high blood sugars and also knew before I would have seizures. So he mentioned his daughter was diagnosed as an adult with Type 1. So he asked more about Duchess. I told him about what she does and how she was trained. I know he was surprised by this. He had never heard of a Diabetic Alert dog before.

I sat down to start soaking my feet for a while. Next thing I know the gentleman was seated next to me he was getting a pedicure and his wife her nails done. We talked more about the latest Diabetes related studies. He told me as a parent he worried a great deal about his daughter. I know he mentioned she had anorexia at one point. I mentioned to him that is not uncommon for a Diabetic because we count and learn so much about nutrition that you can turn this information in you worst enemy of sorts. I know I had exercise anorexia. I would eat very little but would become overly obsessed with exercise. I know he mentioned that his daughter did much the same as me. I would exercise several times a day for several hours a day. Exercise is good but in moderation normally. So I do have to watch myself closely with going back to the gym regularly now.

Then we talked about CGM's and Insulin pumps. The interesting thing is that my person giving me a pedicure was a type 2 diabetic. So the conversation was all Diabetes. The man had never seen an insulin pump or CGM before. He thought pumps were in the body but I explained how it actually works. We talked about the Bionic Pancreas study and the latest study about encapsulated insulin cells. He said he had never learned so much. His daughter used shots but loved running so I was explaining how beneficial an insulin pump can be during events like these. I mentioned I am aiming to run a half marathon. I think he was surprised but impressed I was willing to work that hard. It was such a nice discussion between parents, type 1 and a type 2 diabetic. We all are waiting for the same thing a cure or better treatment options. I know it affects everyone in a family. I know it really does help when you have supportive members of your family being your cheer leading session. I also shared with them about the Diabetic online community as well.

Monday, August 25, 2014

How Fun It Must Be To Take Your Dog

There is a great deal of time I hear constantly from the general public how great it must be to take your service dog with you. In my mind I know how difficult it is. I know I can go to a store regularly but one day a a different employee is there and that can be enough for a public access issue to happen. Some days I have to worry about the heat, cold or in general the weather. I always have dog boots, rain coat, water and dog bowls. I usually carry a bag of dog food in case I get stuck  some where longer than I was planning. I have to balance her working hours with her downtime. I have to worry about her safety constantly such as shopping carts. People are really careless in grocery stores and like to run over Duchess feet at times. I do my best to block the carts with my body. I also have to worry about who is trying to pet Duchess she turns off like a light switch with too much attention so I need to be careful.

I also worry about if it is raining that I have dried Duchess feet as much as possible when going into a store. I continually worry about what little kids are going to do. I have had way too many kids be incredibly mean to Duchess from pulling harshly on her tail or hitting her. Mind you Duchess is doing nothing when all this is happening. It is really sad how well behaved she is compared to most children these days. I also worry a great deal about how here experiences are when we are at the grocery store. These days Duchess hates going to big grocery store we got to because she has been hit by carts or people are constantly causing issues. I know people do not give me much room when in the grocery store which makes things difficult.

I know I really wish people understood is a great deal of work to keep Duchess safe and happy. I spend a great deal of time with training, and trying to keep her experiences as positive as possible. I know a great deal of experiences in one type of store could create issues for me being able to take Duchess with me. I know everyone tells me Duchess looks upset when at the grocery store. I know I do not like it myself. So I am sure she feels the same way too. I know our grocery store have smaller aisles so getting around is difficult for both of us. I really wish people understood it is not fun but just necessary for Duchess to be with me.I also get asked very personal questions which the general public thinks I need to answer.

I do not answer the questions and leave it at my dog is a medical alert dog. So I don't have to disclose my medical condition to all the people around me. I think as a very shy person it is not easy and I know Duchess tends to pick up on my irritation from being asked those questions. So I leave things very simple and very vague so I feel like I still have my privacy.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Work Changes Have Allowed Room For Personal Growth

I have so loved the many changes at work. Since their has been a great deal of upper management changes has lead to more improvements for the people in my departments. Such as this morning I went on a tour of part of campus with its history of where I work. There is great deal of historic buildings etc where I work. So I was pleased to be able to join in on a tour after being where I work after five years of being here. they plan once a quarter to have activities for the employee's which I think is wonderful. I know I like to be able to leave my desk occasionally to do activities. I know Duchess loved this mornings activities quite a bit as well. All the recent changes have really impacted my life in a great deal of ways. Like right now being able to work only during the week and not on the weekends has really improved my quality of life.

It also has allowed me the time to focus more on what I need and what improvements I need to make in my own life. Last three years I have always been so busy working overtime it felt like I had no life. So to be able to finally make enough and to finally work towards some goals I personally have. This is really amazing to me to finally be on the right track to getting some things done that I have always wanted to achieve. I have been doing really well with running on the treadmill so far and I will start running outdoors once it starts to cool down a bit at night. It is way too hot for me to run in the evening so I have to settle for the treadmill until that point. So I am making progress. I am running a little longer each day and rotating doing various machines. I know I have been working on getting more and more endurance as I go.

I am really enjoying the process so far. I am not sure if I will make it to doing a half marathon but its worth a try. I know I am extremely determined and I really stick with my exercise routines so I know I can achieve a great deal with my mindset. So now it is just making sure that I do it safely.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Face Book Post

I was viewing a friends Face Book status and they posted the 7 Cardinal Rules For Life.
I was reading through it and found some of the things I was doing that I should not be. One of the one's I have the most issue with is the first one. I let my past ruin things in a great deal of ways. Such as I know I have complications and will forever be judged for it even though I did the best I can. So I just need to remind myself I did the best I could at the time. I know I have made a great deal of mistakes and I know I need to forgive myself for them. The weird thing is that I can forgive others for their mistakes but my personal mistakes I seem to really struggle with. I know in the grand scheme of things doing things like not forgiving yourself for a really bad Diabetes day of highs when I know full well there are so many factors that can affect your blood sugars it is not fair to be so hard on myself at times. I know we all have bad days.

I also know I care way too much about what people think of me or how they view me. I know because I have Duchess this is more of an issue now because she tends to attract a great deal of attention. I am a very shy person who is very private person who honestly take a while to get to know. So to deal with all this attention on interactions with not always the best people. I know recent experience at the grocery store. Do you know your service dog hates her job she has her tail tucked. I told the lady she loves her job but she hates the grocery store because people run there carts into her or she gets hit by young children on occasion. So I know after those experiences how much would you enjoy going to the grocery stores. I really don't enjoy going to the grocery store either. I hear so many negative things from others it can really interfere with you being happy. I know if I don't like where a conversation is going with a stranger I keep on walking. Who needs more negativity or bad attitudes from strangers. I know I don't. I am doing less interacting when at all possible in general because it makes it easier for me to feel like I am normal like everyone else.

I know I also over think a great deal of things at work and in life in general. I know I torture myself way too much worrying and trying solve every issue. I have made some progress on that recently in when I had my  bad low and I did not continually go over and over the incident in my head. It was quite refreshing to just move on from it. I know I am working on these things because I know in the long run it will be better for me. I am such a type A personality it can be hard to change some of these things but I know it is possible. I also know that now I get more time for myself I am now able to spend more time working on things in my life. I know I need to let go of some bad patterns because I work incredibly hard right now at my job, my diabetes, and new adventures which takes a great deal of patience and focus. Hoping to improve my life one step at a time.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Expected Response

I normally don't meet the people I assist where I work. So it was a nice surprise to meet one yesterday. I was in my bosses office and I had given Duchess a bone so she was at my desk eating her bone. So after a while I knew she would reappear. I always find that most people feel better if I train dogs instead of it being mine. I know the response of the contact was pretty normal. I expect it honestly. I don't want people to feel sorry for me but I just want them to understand that I am able to work because I have Duchess. My life is so much better with her because I don't have to worry about going low and not feeling it and losing hours of time. This has happened in the past. Life is also safer for example the time I had seizures at work and other moments of scary as I like to call them.

I know people tend to be surprised by how hard I work and how much I accomplish I guess because I am dealing with a disability. I think for me the most important thing is letting people know that my disability does not stop me but it just makes things more complicated. I know I wish more people understand I can do almost everything I did previously with some adjustments. I guess its hard to know that a person you assist through email and calls frequently could be disabled or have obstacles. I know every person has personal obstacles and other issues so I am no different. The only difference is that mine is noticeable where previously it was not as noticeable. So  I know when the contact asked me questions I left things very vague but said she was my medical alert dog. I said she made my life so much easier and that she keep me safe. I guess it is a lot to take in when you have an image in your head of what the person on the other line is like.

I know I am healthy, happy and very normal but have a sidekick named Duchess. I will never feel bad that I have her because she gave me my life back which is priceless.