I know some times in life we can learn some life lessons the hard way. I read an article recently that talked about the amount of type 1 diabetics with eating disorders. I know I have been going to dieticians for years and like many diabetics have learned some bad habits of learning how to manipulate nutrition information into an obsession. My eating disorder has many of causes to it and I am sure I am not alone. I had experienced quite a bit of verbal abuse since I was 8 years old about my weight. Mind you I was never what I would even call overweight but in my family it was not unusual to be a size 0 and I was not a size 0.
My mother and sister were always skinner than me and according to my father if your over a size zero your fat which is really not fair. I know back then I did not take into account that I have an apple shape and they were pear shapes. I know that my knowledge of food and carbohydrate counting all played apart in my eating disorder exercise anorexia. I was not only obsessed with food but also exercise.
I know even today I still struggle not to go back to my eating disorder. I can so easily fall back into limiting carbs and exercising 7 days a week. I could get the thoughts in my head that I am only attractive if I am a size 0. I think I will struggle the rest of my life not to go back to that very overly obsessive state that I go into. I know the strangest thing about this period of time I am also very careful in that I also are obsessive about my blood sugars during my eating disorder periods. I had great control and it was very unusual to have high blood sugars. I know I have already experienced some consequences for my eating disorder already. I had had numerous stress fractures in my ankles and feet that I believe are from the lack of proper nutrition and vitamins from that period of time.
I know that I was so obsessed with everything at that time I would almost go loopy or rather angry at times if I was unable to exercise several times a day. The obession is so strong that I still struggle with it event today. I try not to go on diets but just cut back so I do not get as caught up in that mind set. I want to stay healthy so I have weird rules when I get on a scale I climb on backwards so I am unable to see my weight. I think the number gets me back into that negative mind set that I need to avoid. So I ask the nurses to not discuss with my weight and the Dr. as well because I do better not knowing. It is so easy to get caught up on a number. I did sadly reach my goals but could not stop. Thankfully my mother noticed and was able to help me get things under perspective in time. I know I hid m weight loss from my family but eventually they noticed.
I know the damage from the two times I have gone on these extremes will haunt me but I also work very hard these days to remain as healthy as possible. I know I am not unable to fix these issue but I have also learned so much from these experiences. I know embrace my curves as part of who I am and I think I look great as I am and not ten pounds lighter. I am these days very happy with who I am and not that ten pounds lighter person. I do exercise but I am not obsessed with it these days. I always feel so much better talking about my experience because there is really no benefit of being so critical of one's self.