Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Eating Disorders

With it being National Eating Disorder Week I had to blog about my own person struggle with eating disorders. I know I wake up each and everyday trying to keep myself in line. I know it does not take me much to get back into the mindset of if I eat less I will lose more weight and if I exercise twice a day seven days a week I can have the body I want. I know none of these to be true but I have fallen back into my disorder twice over the past several years. I know when you look at me you can't see that I ever had an eating disorder because I do currently have some cushion. I know when I started going to the gym a year ago I knew it had risks for me with having exercise anorexia where I tend to eat very little and exercise constantly. I know at my lowest point I weighed 108 lbs but with being 5'10 that is way too skinny. I know you could see my bones and I had lost most of the fullness in my face and neck. I know when I could see the bones it never registered to me that there was a problem but I know my mother noticed.

I know I was asked when I was getting help to draw how I saw myself and the interesting thing is that the person I saw was a great deal bigger than I ever was. I know now how far I was from the truth. I also know the my obsessive personality could easily fall back into that pattern. I watched my mother criticism herself harshly and I know I do much the same. She also suffered from eating disorders when I was young and continued to fight with herself the rest of her life. I know I really have struggled to love myself when I have viewed my body very harshly. I am still learning now how to love myself not matter what my weight is. I am working constantly not to fall back into the pattern of getting sucked into the perception I need to be a size zero to be loved. I know I get my head in a pattern of if I exercise a little longer my legs will look better my stomach will be flatter I will feel better if I just push myself. This thought pattern leads me back to my obsession with exercise. The funny thing is that I don't normally enjoy it but if I see benefits to it I get back into the pattern.

I know I will wake up everyday for the rest of my life trying to avoid falling back into my eating disorder. The funny thing is that my carbohydrate counting also played a big part of my eating disorder as well. I would count how little of carbohydrates I would need to get through my workouts and just make it through the day. I know it seemed innocent at the time but I learned how to use my food to get what I wanted and that created this obsession with how if I exercise and eat as little as possible I would lose weight quickly and sure enough I did but I also saw the consequences as well. I know my stress fractures I experienced at 28 were related to my eating disorder and I did end up spending six months in air cast boots on both ankles. I know normally when I would go running I did not come back with injuries but that time my ankles paid the price.

Thankfully today I have found that not knowing what I way when I go to the Dr. have helped me to avoid getting focused on a number and more focused on being healthy. I know it seems silly but I get stuck on things such as a number. So I know my Dr. knows about my past and she tells me if I need to lose weight or gain weight. That ways it takes it out of my hands and become about being at the healthiest weight. So I am happy to report I don't know my weight but I do know when I have gained weight so I know when I need to up my workout and when I just need to do my normal routine. I know I will never be completely free of my obsession but at least I have found ways of coping.

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