Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The Past and Now

I have been able to sleep a little more at night but now the fast moving blood sugars are back. I am trying to see what will work to avoid them and how to keep it more level at night. It seems that I need to do more adjustments at night but hoping to not adjust too much because I will be low at night. It seems I am high or low at night but not really in between which frustrates me beyond belief because I like a more stable numbers overnight when possible. It seems that my nights have never been easy and will continue to be tough to deal with. I know I feel like I need a vacation from it all but I know that will not happen.

I am still overall feeling decent about my overall control but I know when I see higher numbers I go back to those times in my childhood where the doctors told me I was a bad diabetic because I was high. It makes you feel really ashamed that I am not in range or that I could have done some thing different. I know there is only so much you can do at times and my diabetes seems to change its mind frequently and I know some of my solutions don't always work out but it at times makes me feel like a complete failure even though I know I am not. I know it is never easy but I know I wish I had not been criticized as harshly as a kid for something that even adults struggle with controlling. I know even with being in range I will never feel completely satisfied because of these past experiences.

I know with my upcoming Endocrinologist appointment next week  I am not feeling very confident because of more highs but at least I am making it to work on time and safely. I know I will get things smoothed out soon but sometimes I know I would love to have some time away form it all but I know sadly that won't happen. I know my current Dr. is very supportive and won't criticize me for my current blood sugars but I know will want to make some changes with I am okay with.

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