Monday, March 23, 2015

Turning Off the Bad Messages

I need to do more work. I know I sadly ended up getting sick over my 3 day weekend. I know I tested Friday afternoon and it read's 265. I then start on my normal thought pattern of what did you do wrong, how come we are so high why does my Dexcom only show it being 130. Why didn't Duchess alert sooner. I feel this anger at my self instantly and the old bad thinking pattern sets. If you were a good person you would not be high. If I was doing what I should have been doing I would have noticed. I got through this horrible thought pattern and I even picture my mean Endocrinologist who constantly told me I was bad and I should be doing better. I know our teenage years are rough and that thing such as hormones do play a role but I know I always took the brunt of the negativity because I felt I was to blame. I know I would cry at time because I was high and I tried my best. I know other times I actually threw my meter at the wall in shear frustration.

Even today I still look upon myself so badly because I feel like high blood sugars equals me not doing enough or not working hard enough but the truth is Diabetes is not controlled but managed and I can only do what I can do. We all have times where we under estimate our Carbohydrate counts or we over bolus for our food. We at the end of the day our human. Not once as a child was I ever told that high blood sugars happen. I remember when I was high I was scared to tell my parents because the would be mad at me when in actuality my mom would have done a correction dose and everything would be fine.

 I grew up with some Dr. treating me like I was not a person with feelings and a person with a chronic illness. I am working on my resetting my message that appear in my head each time I wait for the results of my meter. I know I dread each test and I test frequently so I need to be more realistic that yes I will get over 200 when I am sick. I also need to realize that I am no longer seeing that Endocrinologist and I am a good person who deserves to be understood and respected. I know as a patient with Complications I will always be judged but inappropriate comments are not okay. I know I will continue to work to make Dr.'s understand that I do the best I can and that life happens. I know when they see my A1c most of the time they are shocked because they expected me to be out of control but the opposite is true.

I plan on resetting my message about highs and lows so I can be happier with myself and my life. I live a very complicated life with complications why make things more difficult for myself. My message now will be no matter the number I can fix it if necessary. At the end of the day I need to realize that I am human and feeling human is only natural and I not defined by the numbers on my test kit.

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