Monday, July 21, 2014

Negative Messages

I have  been thinking a great deal about a class I attended at Friends for Life Conference in Orlando. We were discussing the guilt. I know I tend to feel guilty for a great deal of things in my life even some that I don't have complete control over. I know that guilt at times can eat you alive. I know I learned as a child that a high blood sugar meant that you were bad and sadly my parents only reinforced that when I a teenager. I know I got in trouble at times because I was high at dinner not because I wasn't trying but at times stress could make me soar upwards now I tend to soar downward. I remember all the times that my own Dr. told me I was bad because my A1c went up when I was around 12 or 13 when my decided I should an Endocrinologist that she was seeing.

The really odd part is that a 12 or 13 year old child is growing a great deal and some changed in blood sugars should be expected. I know during that time I was growing pretty quickly. I know that these experiences still affect me today because this Dr. repeatedly made me feel like a failure when I was trying my best. I also know that I felt incredibly out of place during this as well. I know I was extremely shy and quite. My life was not easy but my blood sugars seemed to be creating more and more issues. I know my parents meant well but they really made things for difficult by sending me the message that I was bad if my blood sugar was not in range. I know why there was a period of time where I gave up completely because I knew I had failed.

I know teen years are incredibly difficult at it is but adding Diabetes makes things incredibly difficult. I know that my parents did everything they could for me including getting me the best medical equipment possible. They also made sure I had proper medical coverage so I could get what I needed. I know I still have that message that plays in my head when I see a 200 or 300 the message still plays over and over again in my head. I know as a Diabetic with an excellent A1c I still feel guilty for a high blood sugar or a  really bad low. I know right now I am doing great but trying to get rid of the past guilt and messages is probably the hardest thing to deal with. I am not sure how I will ever get rid of this though process. I know I am not really bad because I have a high but I still feel like in some ways I do because of my past experiences. I am so glad that most Dr.'s today have figured out that scare tactics and treating patients that way does not work.

I really wish that some day I can get rid of the negativity associated with blood sugars when I know I am human and I do the best I can. I am always looking for ways to get rid of the messages in my head but I not even sure how. 

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