Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Last Couple of Weeks

I have to say since I had my seizure after the incident with the Verio IQ not working properly I have been battling some tough lows and other seizures. I know I have been so caught up in getting settled applying for jobs. It has been difficult getting back into writing my blog. I know a recent seizure John had to deal with again. I know he never gets made at me for it but I am finding for me it has been incredibly difficult. I know the reason why is the guilt I feel for having so many lows since August when he first arrived in Austin. I know some of the lows were because of my meter but I still feel incredibly responsible for these incidents. I know I feel at times the guilt is eating me alive. I know he loves me and we would not be together if we didn't care for each other. I just didn't expect to feel this overwhelming guilt around with me. I know in the past when I was on vacation and this happened it was not the same in some ways.

I know I lucky to have him in my life and I am very thankful. I know after my second recent seizure and bad low. I told John that I wish this wasn't my life which is so unlike me but I actually think I really meant it at that moment. I feel like I am a burden to him and not that he feels that way but it has to be a lot to deal with glucagon shots and scary seizures. I know he seems to take it all in stride because he is also a Diabetic too. I know I have helped him during lows too but it just feel so different because his are so rare. I know I was told by my old coworker that I lived with for a short period time that she really had no idea how scary my life is and how difficult it must be. I know I do my best but at times like these I really struggle with what I can do with the guilt of these events even if they weren't preventable. I know as I am writing this I am trying to not cry because I feel so overwhelmed by it all. I know Duchess has really helped in alerting John to these events but I still feel like that is not enough.

I know now were are discussing getting the latest Dexcom G5 because John can monitor my blood sugars while he is at work when I am at home. That would be helpful but I know I am never good about sharing my Dexcom graphs with my family but I have shown them to him in the past. I know now he wakes me up in the middle of the night he hears my Dexcom go off and I am hearing his Dexcom as well at night. I know this data sharing is something I need to be open to because it does mean that he could help if I needed it. So it does take some getting used to because I have cared for my Diabetes for so many years independently from others. I know when I am high I get cranky and when I am low I get tired of hearing about it. So having him contact me when I am low would take some adjustment on my part to stay positive with him trying to be helpful. I am pretty sure once I get back to working again that will be one of the first things I purchase. I know I need to do as much as possible to keep me safe regardless of how I feel about sharing the data.

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