Twisted in Thoughts

I know I have been thinking a great deal about complications recently. I know most people hate to read about complications but since it is truly part of my life I feel the need to discuss it. I also know there is a great deal of people out there with complications that need to feel the connections with others who understand what they are going through. We all have struggles with Diabetes and issues that we all experience. I know my road with complications has been scary and with little information available to assist me with making choices. I know several years ago I had to make choices I never thought would come this soon. I know I had to make decision about the quality of my life. My Dr.'s wanted me to run blood sugars higher to reduce the risks of lows and I wanted to keep things under a 7 Alc to prevent further complications. So I made the decision that running with tighter control gave me the ability to have a life with out developing more complications if possible.

I know still today I am haunted by the fact that everyday I get to wake up knowing I played a part in where I am today. I know the times I did not react fast enough to a high blood sugar or did not get it down as fast as I could are probably part of that as well. Another contributing factor has been my untreated depression that went on for several years when I was a teenager. I also know my experience through out my life with seizures and bad lows and fear of lows have created some of the issue as well. I know I had a time where I ran things higher because I felt safer than trying to figure it all out. So now I am left with the constant thoughts of what if I had done more but it is really hard looking back to know if that in the long run would have made a huge difference. I am working on dealing with all the baggage I carry because of my complications and also fighting for Dr.'s who get that I work hard and don't look at me as a failure because at the end of the day I am still human. I am working to reduce my load this year in hopes that I will let me concentrate on what I need to do.

I know with all my hard work that I have kept myself as healthy as possible. I know that my work is paying off but I also know I will forever fight to be treated with respect by nurses and Dr.'s who will make assumptions about me as the patient. I wish they would understand that I have not by in anyways given up even in the midst of a bad low I get up the next day and go to work as normal. I don't let it stop me but I know all the stigmas attached to having complications won't go away and it is sadly part of my life. I know my voice as an advocate is important and a good reminder for physicians that they need to look at where the patients are at and do the best to assist them. I am hoping that with continued education that I can change my experience and others.