Still Difficult After 5 Years

                It is hard to believe it has been five years since I last talked with you on the phone or laughed with you. It has been five long years without being able to talk about D with you. It has been the toughest five years without you here when I was diagnosed with Hypoglycemia Unawareness. I can never thank you for all the things you have taught and most of all that how important it is to be your own advocate. I know when you were in school for nursing you taught me so much about medicine and it helps me so much today. I know you would be proud of my today for working so hard even when I am burned out or when I am having a bad day. I had such an incredible person in my life and I know I always told you how much I love you and I so wish I could again today. There has been so many challenges and I know you have been with me through this by all you have taught me over the years.

                  Thank you for teaching me how to research for answers when the Dr.'s seems to not have one. I know when I was searching for more information about Hypoglycemia Unawareness that day when I stumbled upon an article about diabetic alert dogs I knew you would have supported my decision to get one. I know you taught me that you hire Dr.'s so you can also fire them when you don't feel you are getting the care you need. I also cannot thank you enough for all the sleepless nights you spent with me in the hospitals. The crazy in the middle of the night drives to the emergency rooms when I was low or very sick. I know you did not always go and do all the thing you wanted to do because you worried so much about me. I know you went back to school so you could learn as much about diabetes so you could better care for me. I could of never asked for more than that but of course your were more. I know you always made my health a priority and made sacrifices so I could have the best care. All these gifts are priceless.


                 I know I feel blessed that I am able to read medical studies and understand medical terminology which has helped me make the best decisions for me. I have learned so much from my recent experiences and continue to learn.I know one very hard aspect I continue to struggle with is the fact how the Dr.'s treated you towards the end. I know when you kidney function was increasing they blamed you that you did not take care of your diabetes but you always had great A1c's so I thought that was strange. I know they could not figure out why your blood work was so off and they kept reassuring you that everything was fine. I know I asked you if they had looked at your previous issues with your heart but the cardiologist spent very little time with you. Sure enough the day before you passed away you called me to tell me that your heart valves were all bad. Sadly you had Rheumatic Fever as a child and it was never treated so it lead to permanent damage to your heart valves. Then you told me that your kidneys were shot as well because it took them so long to figure it out. I know the last several weeks of your life were spent wearing what is called a life vest. The life vest had a defibrillator because there a very strong possibility that your hear could stop at any moment.

                 I know when I talked to you on Tuesday night you had not slept well because the life vests was digging into your shoulders and your heart was not functioning well. I did not know it at the time but on you had decided to take off your life vest to sleep on that Thursday night and slept well with no issues. I know  you wanted to have another night of good sleep that Friday night and sadly early Saturday morning your heart stopped. I will always miss you and time has not necessarily made things easier but I am adjusting to the fact are gone. In my opinion 52 is just way too young for your too be gone. I will miss you more than you will ever know. I also have learned from  your experience when I had something come up when they automatically blame Diabetes I insist on regular tests they would run on any person. I so wish I could have more time with you. Thank you mom for the unbelievable job you did taking care of my diabetes, all the sacrifices you made. I was so fortunate to have been blessed with such a wonderful mother.