Looking At All the Pieces

I know recently I have decided to spend more time evaluating how I deal with stress, foods, and other items that tend to affect my blood sugar. I am going to keep a log for the day where I recap what happened that day such as cold weather, stressful situations at work like computer issues etc. So I can see what I might be missing or if there is a pattern to better help me avoid bad lows or highs. I do not have a great deal of highs on my Dexcom most of the time but I know when I do I like to figure out why. I know for example I get a large spike in blood sugar with cereal and then a very dramatic fast moving drop when I eat cereal even when I use a combo bolus I tend to still drop dramatically. The interesting part is that if I have granola I don't have the same issue.  I am also using my Dexcom graphs pictures and add them for the day to review the events for the day. I am going to try to do this at least a week or two a month.

I know I do review my data but I think this might help me to make even better changes in not only what I eat but also a more effective basal rate changes as well. I know with all my low every time I am am able to reduce the lows I feel so much better and it also makes for a much better day all around. So I am hoping to continually reduce lows and highs but also keep myself away from the bad lows I have seen in the past if at all possible. I know most Diabetics do not always use all the data they have access to. I know I have been guilty in the past as well. I do not plan on logging every number I have but to look at graphs at the trouble spots and see what options I could try next time and maybe which foods I should generally try to avoid or eat less often. I know so far looking at what I am eating has helped me tremendously and hoping that looking at all aspects will help as well.

Eating Disorders

With it being National Eating Disorder Week I had to blog about my own person struggle with eating disorders. I know I wake up each and everyday trying to keep myself in line. I know it does not take me much to get back into the mindset of if I eat less I will lose more weight and if I exercise twice a day seven days a week I can have the body I want. I know none of these to be true but I have fallen back into my disorder twice over the past several years. I know when you look at me you can't see that I ever had an eating disorder because I do currently have some cushion. I know when I started going to the gym a year ago I knew it had risks for me with having exercise anorexia where I tend to eat very little and exercise constantly. I know at my lowest point I weighed 108 lbs but with being 5'10 that is way too skinny. I know you could see my bones and I had lost most of the fullness in my face and neck. I know when I could see the bones it never registered to me that there was a problem but I know my mother noticed.

I know I was asked when I was getting help to draw how I saw myself and the interesting thing is that the person I saw was a great deal bigger than I ever was. I know now how far I was from the truth. I also know the my obsessive personality could easily fall back into that pattern. I watched my mother criticism herself harshly and I know I do much the same. She also suffered from eating disorders when I was young and continued to fight with herself the rest of her life. I know I really have struggled to love myself when I have viewed my body very harshly. I am still learning now how to love myself not matter what my weight is. I am working constantly not to fall back into the pattern of getting sucked into the perception I need to be a size zero to be loved. I know I get my head in a pattern of if I exercise a little longer my legs will look better my stomach will be flatter I will feel better if I just push myself. This thought pattern leads me back to my obsession with exercise. The funny thing is that I don't normally enjoy it but if I see benefits to it I get back into the pattern.

I know I will wake up everyday for the rest of my life trying to avoid falling back into my eating disorder. The funny thing is that my carbohydrate counting also played a big part of my eating disorder as well. I would count how little of carbohydrates I would need to get through my workouts and just make it through the day. I know it seemed innocent at the time but I learned how to use my food to get what I wanted and that created this obsession with how if I exercise and eat as little as possible I would lose weight quickly and sure enough I did but I also saw the consequences as well. I know my stress fractures I experienced at 28 were related to my eating disorder and I did end up spending six months in air cast boots on both ankles. I know normally when I would go running I did not come back with injuries but that time my ankles paid the price.

Thankfully today I have found that not knowing what I way when I go to the Dr. have helped me to avoid getting focused on a number and more focused on being healthy. I know it seems silly but I get stuck on things such as a number. So I know my Dr. knows about my past and she tells me if I need to lose weight or gain weight. That ways it takes it out of my hands and become about being at the healthiest weight. So I am happy to report I don't know my weight but I do know when I have gained weight so I know when I need to up my workout and when I just need to do my normal routine. I know I will never be completely free of my obsession but at least I have found ways of coping.

What If ?

I know some days I wake up and feel just overwhelmed by it all. I know sometimes it is not even diabetes related and other times it is. I know this feeling is caused by recent incidents that left me feeling a little lost. I know I honestly feel like a grenade waiting to go off most of the time. I know dating is complicated and I have found most of the time when you throw in a service dog and bad lows it will make most men run for cover. I am aware that some times it is for the best that it does not work out but other times is is really depressing that I know most of the guys I date will leave after one bad low or incident which does not help. When I meet new people and worry about what will happen and how it will affect me emotionally. I know most people see me as very stoic and not realize I am incredibly sensitive. I know I can handle a great deal of things but I have never been very good at handling hurtful things.

I also have felt that my Diabetes because it has also caused chaos in my life that one day it would really cost me in some way. I know it has in my dating life, my career and with my friends. I know it takes it toll on not just me but all the people in my life currently. I know I feel very over whelmed by all of the feeling like my Diabetes is causing me issues in so many parts of my life. I know as I try to reconcile my head around the fact that my life is nothing like I ever wanted it to be. I always had a picture of where I might be at this point in my life and I am no where near where I hoped I would be. I am okay with that but the hardest part is knowing that my Diabetes is no where close to where I wanted to be either. I know my life has been really challenging and will always be unless they have major changes in out technology. It has become really hard to stop the what if I had done this instead of this which constantly runs through my mind. I know it is bad to over think things but I know I do this. I guess I will have to live with yes this my life but I guess I can also continue to try new things to improve my life.

Computer Issues and Blood Sugars

I know yesterday I was going to post a blog as usual but I ran into some major issues. These issues were sadly messing with my blood sugar. I came in as normal and it was a normal morning until I started noticing issues with my email. I have my main inbox and 9 other inbox's I can email from. I have way too many but it seems to work okay. So I noticed that my main box was not sending them emails. So I used my sub email boxes then they stopped sending as well. So I decided I needed to log out then log back in and still same issue. So I next tried restarting my computer several times still same issue. I finally called IT they came but with bad news. During the recent power outage at work had corrupted my profiles for my inboxes. So they had to send my email archived to a new folder which would take over night to get moved then they had to add back on the 9 other inbox's back on. So yesterday my bloods sugars decided to go low around 60 over a several hour period of time and then soared up quickly and stayed there for several hours then crashed out last night.

I know during these time Duchess really saves me a lot of trouble she alerted to all the lows and kept me checking my blood sugars then she warned me really early around 125 that my blood sugar was moving up quickly and my Dexcom had not even caught on yet that it was moving up quickly Then she kept me safe as my blood sugar was dropping quickly as I got home and just got off the bus. I know days like these where stress can cause a combination of things I am beyond thankful to have her here with me. I know the longer I have her the more I also feel I need her around just to give me peace of mind. She really helped me deal with the frustration of dealing with the moving up and down yesterday. Sadly I woke up and I dealt with another bad low of 35 when I first got to work but at least the good part is that I am leaving at 2:45pm from work today. So I just have to hang in there and hope that my blood sugars will settle down soon. I know when I get stressed it seems that the drops are even more drastic and the funny part is that I did not realize how all the computer issues were affecting me personally until I looked at my Dexcom graphs last night.

Ignoring Reminders

It seems so strange today to not be able to really feel lows or highs. I know my body sends me such mixed messages these days the only way to be certain every time is too test. I know for example when I am working out and I start to really sweat I take that as a signal which most of the time is correct. I know I remember the fast hear beats, feeling hungry, getting sleepy, getting moody and shaking and what I would give today to be able to feel my lows again. I know as technology gets better our tools get better but honestly their is no better option than being able to feel your lows. All options have drawbacks and nothing is a one hundred percent. I know today I am doing much better than I was back in 2008 when I was diagnosed with Hypoglycemia Unawareness.

I know I even though the feelings of a low can be very overwhelming for any of us. I know for me I think it is even worse not feeling anything at all. I know at times I get caught up doing things that I put off testing or ignore Duchess when I know I shouldn't. I know when you don't feel it is so very easy to not react as fast or think oh I'm fine when you really are not. I know most of the time I do react very quickly but at times I do fall into it will be fine mindset. I also know the consequence of my lows are usually EMS visits and commotion. So I am always trying to work on keeping myself on track and reacting as quickly as I can. I know yesterday Duchess alerted when I was at the gym and I was two minutes from being done so I pushed on. Thankfully it was only 80 so I treated quickly. I also know that I can get to a very bad low extremely quickly and that has always been the case. So I know tonight if Duchess alerts I am going to stop right away and test. It is best for both my sake and Duchess.

Odd Morning

I know most days I get to work I test my blood sugar and bolus for my breakfast. I always have coffee which does mess with my blood sugar slightly so I bolus for that. Just as my coworker was making the coffee that I just bolused for the lights flash all of a sudden. Then the room goes black. So the power went out and I was worried since I had sent insulin for things I had not consumed. I always prebolus because I do not get a large rise in my blood sugars by doing so. I just did not expect the power to go out. I thankfully decided since the power was out for the whole campus that I should go get some coffee. I am caffeine addict and I get sever headaches for not consuming caffeine in some for or another. I knew if I could find an open place by campus I could get some warm coffee. We had a cold front come through yesterday so it was a brisk 35 degrees outside. It was strange to go with my Manager, Supervisor and coworker to get coffee but good in a great deal of ways.

So I learned a lesson to wait till the coffee is actually made for bolusing it next time but I will not stop prebolusing because it works for me. It has been a really odd morning. I found out the power outage was caused by a construction crew on campus. Thankfully after two hours it was back on. I know I was glad I had Duchess in her sweater it was a very cold walk to get coffee this morning. I know Duchess was on duty this morning monitoring my blood sugar. I did not go low so over all it ended up just fine and I have granola bars in my desk just in case as well. So today is a really off day so far but thankfully Duchess was here to help even in the dark. I am really hoping that they keep down the construction errors so we have power to do our work.

My Thoughts on the Animas Vibe

I know I am still loving my Animas Vibe but there is still some things that I have found to bothersome. I know I love having my CGM on my pump and I love not having to carry my extra Dexcom receiver like I used to. I do really love how the bolus amount appears without having to enter it like I used to with the Animas Ping. I do really miss the Animas remote option. It was nice that everything was synched up and so I did not have to enter my blood sugar manually. The one aspect that drives me crazy is that after I enter my blood sugar and the ez carb option does its magic then I bolus as normal. The CGM sends me a message each time that I need to make sure that I had done a finger stick before bolusing for the food but the sad part is that I already am. So that is one aspect that drives me nuts because if it was synched the pump would not send me these annoying reminders.

I also do love that in some ways that I have more flexibility in my alerts from my Dexcom which I tend to feel I am more responsive. Currently the change in the sounds I have not had much issues with hearing or feeling the Vibe going off when low. I know I am loving the other features as well. I know a great deal of people were complaining about not back button I have found when I had it with Medtronic I rarely used it so for me it is not a big deal. I am not caring about the amount of buttons because for me all my devices I have to push buttons or scroll around so I found my pumps to have been no different. I do really wish that all pumps offered you the option to synch whatever meter you use to the pumps with blue tooth etc. that way I could keep up with all the new meters that come out instead of sticking with the original meter that comes with the pumps.

Overall I am pleased with my new Animas Vibe and I really would not change much except a bigger screen would be nice and the option to have a meter synched because I prefer things to be easier. I know I am very satisfied that I will be using the Vibe until June of 2016 when I can then purchase a new insulin pump at that point. I am really hoping for more options when I am able to upgrade then but I also might wait. I know I really wish that pump companies asked for what we as the consumers want and need in insulin pumps. I know it would really make things much easier for us all. 

Spare A Rose Save A Child

Instead of sending roses tomorrow consider saving a life of a child. I know I already donated personally and I hope you will too. This program helped a great deal of children already and hopefully it will continue to with your help. I know when I went back to college I was fortunate I lived in a place where I could receive the free insulin from the company because of my income I know everyday I felt fortunate I could go back to college and still have insulin. A great deal of children would not have access to these type of programs in many countries. I know I feel fortunate everyday even though some of my medical devices I have today drive me nuts. I also know they help me to make better choices by having this information.

Please Consider Donating

http://www.p4dc.com/spare-a-rose/Give/